Does The Rock Still Remember How To Act Human?

So we're a couple months out from WrestleMania and The Rock is somehow in the mix of it all. That's been quite the surprise, largely because Dwayne Johnson's never had much time for wrestling or its fans these last twenty years. After his last brief full time stint back in 2003, he popped up for one match at WrestleMania the next year and then spent the next seven years distancing himself from the industry as he threw himself full time into Hollywood. He came back in 2011, basically walking in and taking some main event spots, which should sound familiar if you're paying attention to current angles, then after a total of five matches and maybe a dozen TV appearances fucked back off, going years at a time between appearances.

At the time of writing we're about a week removed from his insertion into the road to WrestleMania. Last Friday, he'd seemed to just walk in and take a main event spot from a regular worker, which CM Punk was sure to note looked a lot like what happened a decade ago. Last night saw a swerve, with Cody demanding his rightful title match as the winner of the Royal Rumble, while Rock seemed to lean heel for the first time in twenty years, since as far back as the Hollywood Rock character that closed his full time association with the ring.

Some friends in a wrestling discord I'm in disagreed with me, but overall I wasn't impressed. I'm not all that sure Rock still knows how to be the kind of heel he used to be. As I said to others, okay just doesn't cut it when you're discussing someone frequently described as one of the best talkers the business has ever seen.

Maybe I'm poisoned. The nostalgia for the Rock had worn off me a while ago and I finally got sick of him last Friday. But while the nostalgia doesn't have the hold it did on me anymore, I remember how he used to be. It's not a flattering comparison.

Rock was an important part of my formative years as a wrestling fan, debuting the very same year I first got into the hobby as a nine year old. To tell the truth, by the year 2000 he'd even eclipsed Stone Cold Steve Austin as my favorite wrestler. Back then, he was cool personified. Unflappable, endlessly confident and with perhaps the quickest wit in the game, he'd give promos so engaging and filled with energy it was worth it to tune in just for the talking. Expensive shirts, sunglasses and boundless drive. He could, and did, cut momentum out from under more than one superstar with a single promo.

Then he left and at some point seemed to forget what wit looked like.

We can go on all day about Rocks time in Hollywood and it would not be a conversation that was overly kind to him. Bluntly stated, his filmography is a dogs ass, the few worthwhile portions being as part of a franchise he isn't the star of and ten minutes at the start of a Will Ferrel movie satirizing the only sort of character he plays these days, the cool tough guy. Somehow John Cena, The Enemy of smart wrestling fans a decade ago, and Dave Batista racked up better filmographies than Dwayne ever had in a fraction of the time. No amount of box office receipts can change that. But worse still, looking at those films, you realize something that carries over to any return he's made to wrestling.

He's over-relied on his natural charisma and connection to fans. In some ways, abused it even.

When Rock first came back in 2011, it seemed fresh and exciting. He'd been away a long time and his first promo back had seemed electric. The prodigal son coming home. But much like a bad sequel can sometimes color the prior films, everything that came after wasn't kind to that promo. If you were paying attention, it was like Rock was reading from a template, a script. Fitting, I guess. It started with Kung Pao Bitch and sort of became a trend with him, every promo needed some kind of new catchphrase, usually one or two adjectives or noun followed by the word bitch. Some dumb new call and response with the crowd. Pointing at his arm to show goosebumps, which he did so often it feels like his version of John Cena talking to the cameraman on his way to the ring.

Then it became obvious when the dueling promos happened. Something was wrong. In the old days, The Rock never lost on the mic. But boy oh boy, was it clear it wasn't the old days anymore and his new schtick wasn't cutting it. The man was getting smoked out there. Miz got more than a few good digs in, which Rock made easy for him by phoning in half his "appearances" by satellite. Then the feud with Cena started in earnest.

One night, face to face on the road to WrestleMania, they had a war of words. The Rock lost, pretty badly. Near the end of the faceoff, John pointed out that Rock had written notes on his forearm for his promo. He might as well have won the feud right there. Rock never used to use promo notes like that, relying on his quick wit and ad libbing. Now he needed the equivalent of a teleprompter. Who's the last guy reading off a teleprompter you thought was cool? It shot some of the credibility he held as a talker and you could see the result right in front of you. Rock was shook. Scripted? Ad libbed? No one can say for sure, but the man looked genuinely annoyed, rattled, and his subsequent lost rhythm suggests it wasn't entirely planned. He stuttered briefly on the mic, trying to get some momentum back, and hit his "if you smell what the Rock is cooking" to try and bring it home. 

I hadn't seen it happen before or since. I've seen a ton of Rocks movies. He's not that great an actor. The Rock has been leaking cool ever since that night.

Then he stuck around a little longer and had a feud with CM Punk on the way to a rematch with Cena. If the stuff with Cena was bad, the Punk promo battles didn't go much better. Rock couldn't hang with Philly Phil at all really. It was kind of sad to watch. One night, Punk hit Rock with "your arms are just too short to box with god". Rocks response? Some witty riposte? Observation? Turning the line back on him? Nah. "Let me tell you something, you're not god."

Thanks for coming, Dwayne, good talk. The man we once thought was the coolest guy in the world, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm not sure when it happened, but Dwayne Johnson got complacent with regards to his skill at talking and never really tried again. It was a lot of the same sort of trite pablum whether on screen or on his instagram or wherever else he could drop a video. And he was always shilling something. If it wasn't a movie it's some new venture of his, like his latest, a line of whiskey. Thanks Dwayne, you want to sell me gold, next? Jeff Jarrett's already tried that one but maybe you'll have better luck. If he wasn't shilling, he was pandering.

Even last night, I didn't feel any of the old magic despite Rock leaning heel for the first time in twenty years. His big catchphrase or insult of the night was "Cody Crybabies" for the fans who were incredibly upset he'd walked in and seemingly took another mans main event spot. I guess the Rock is five now. Or maybe he always was. He hit the "it doesn't matter if you like it or not". Pretty rote stuff.

The big moment where he finally leaned into it a bit came much later. Cody came out and asserted his right to the title match. Rocks cousin, Roman Reigns, brought up Cody's father Dusty Rhodes, because it seems like everyone's got Dustys name in their mouth, and Cody fired back with a comment about their family. So Dwayne puffed up and did some "you don't talk about my family" shit, then slapped Cody. It was the most intimidating he'd looked in a long time.

It was also just him playing Luke Hobbs again, a character that's the most Rock that ever Rocked. The facial expression, the quiet glower and puff up. I recognized it immediately. All that he missed was to flex out of a cast. He just slipped into tough guy mode, because that's the only place he can go now. It used to be he would have just ethered the other guy with words, but that Rock was eroded over twenty years and this is just what we're left with. A big, sweaty wall of meat surrounding a Terminator endoskeleton, programmed to pander and shill and sometimes puff up and act like a big tough strong man. The sort you see blabber on in the UFC. You know, utterly unimaginative, lame individuals who can't dream up a semi-intelligent way to insult someone. If Rock started calling people betas he'd complete the transformation.

I won't get into his ego plays or any of the other stuff that soured me on him. I don't think it matters. But maybe it's time for us all to admit the Rock isn't cool anymore. He hasn't been in twenty years. After last night, I'm not sure there's much of the old Rock left in him. There's something sad about that, about him becoming a Machine Organism Designed Only for Shilling.

But maybe that makes for a good chance to be done with Dwayne Johnson, as a wrestler or otherwise. What's even left to hold on to? It's not like we'll miss out on any great films, that's for damn sure.